Saturday, December 5, 2009

Tiger Woods: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Tomcat

It's been an interesting week for followers of Celebrity

This time, it's golfs' Mr. Clean - Tiger Woods - who's
caught up in the latest "Who's been sleeping with who"
media frenzy.

Tiger, my man, what's up with that?

First of all, there was the mysterious car crash
outside your house at 2:30 am.

Next, there was the ambulance ride to the hospital

to be treated for cuts, bruises and lacerations.

Finally, the refusal to talk to the authorities, until
your PR and legal people could damp things down.

Tiger, for a professional athlete, this whole thing
has been a PR nightmare and a potential legal and
financial disaster. For someone whose judgment
on the golf course has been so good, this is the kind
of misstep we might expect of a Tour Rookie.

First of all, if you're going to Tomcat around,
you take some basic precautions.

And one of the first ones is to NOT have your
girlfriends on the cell phone speed dial.

That's how Elin found out. She went through
your phone and found Rachel, Jaimee and Kaliqua.

Next, she hired a "Private Detective to the Stars"
and found out quite a bit.

Like you had Rachel flown out to Australia for the
Australian Masters, and that you later sent her on
to Dubai, of all places, with some cash for her time
and trouble. She also found out that you'd been seeing her
for quite some time, and that you've paid her over $ 1m
for her time and silence.

And just who is Rachel Uchitel? A thirtyish sometime
model and professional bicoastal party girl, previously
linked to Derek Jeter and Manny Ramirez.

Next, she found out about Jaimee Grubbs, a sometime
cocktail waitress and medical marijuana dealer from LA.
Seems she's about to cash in on her fifteen minutes of
fame with a million-dollar tell-all to the tabloids and
a nude photo shoot.

And then, there's Kaliqua Moquin - a statuesque Las Vegas
nightclub hostess, well known as the "Diva" of Las Vegas'
overpriced and under-regulated nightclub scene. She's
been all over the media with stories about champagne and
cocaine-fueled bacchanalia on your very frequent
solo visits to Las Vegas, where, according to her ,
you've also dropped quite a bit at the tables as well.

And her former boyfriends? Rappers Jay-Z, Li'l Wayne
and Eminem.

PGA Tour, meet Da Hood.

Wow - sex, drugs, and gambling. No wonder Elin took a
3-iron upside your head before you tried to get away
in the Escalade.

So, now that's its all out in the open, what do you do?
You need to take charge.

First of all, you should talk to your off-season friends who've
been caught up in the same thing. Guys like Kobe Bryant
and David Letterman.

Kobe will tell you it will not be cheap. Vanessa got $5 million
in cash upfront and a large upgrade in the prenup. Letterman
also had to fork over to the wife big time. And since Elin has
already talked to her friend Vanessa Bryant about how to
handle things, you can expect to pay up several million
immediately, and upgrade the pre-nup as well.

Hey, it's par for the course - don't complain. And since the
thrashing by Elin's 3-iron was nothing compared to the
world-class ass-chewing you got from your own mother,
carrying on about shame, embarrassment and loss of face,
you need to make right with Wife, Mother, and
Mother-In-Law (all of whom live with you - yikes) and
then get your story out in a friendly forum.

And I know just the guy. You know him too.
You need to call Jim Rome and either go on his
radio show (for a whole show including call-ins)
or go on ESPN's
Rome is Burning.

Romey has been all over this all week, but mostly
in a sympathetic vein.

So break off a call to Jay Stew the phone slap, and
go on the show. You've been in The Jungle before,
so you know what to expect. Tough love - but love

And next season, be all business. Get those majors.
And since I expect Elin, your Mother, and your
Mother-In-Law to be "chaperoning" you on tour,
just suck it up and take care of business.

Both your game and your life will be the better for it.

In the meantime, here's a couple of things from
YouTube for my reader's enjoyment:

1 comment:

  1. The only thing cool about the media coverage is the asian reenactment with old school 3D graphics. I sense a kind of Jim Crow "Prominent Negro Scandalous with White Women!" kind of event. it is sickening! Even if it isn't racist it is still somewhat racially tinged because Tiger Woods, a black man, is having affairs with women who are white. I wish the media was more mum and quiet about this story and would air more important stories like for example why Republicans suck. but rich white republicans wouldn't like that- they would rather see a black guy get slammed by the media. so there it is.

    other than that I respect Mr. Woods and his immense golfing abilties. He can do what he wants. He earned it.